


Echoes of the past

by Subaruchan192



Series: Barisi Comfort [2]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Married Couple, Men Crying, Minor Character Death, Rafael cries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:48:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27725738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Subaruchan192/pseuds/Subaruchan192
Summary: When Sonny comes home one day, he finds Rafael crying in the couch and comforts his husband.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Series: Barisi Comfort [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2028056
Comments: 8
Kudos: 43





	Echoes of the past

**Author's Note:**

> So, I wrote a story quite a while ago in which Rafael comforts Sonny when he cries after a horrible case went south and I always wanted to write one for quite a long time where it is the other way around. here, it finally is =)

Rafael Barba barely cried, because he had used all of his tears as a child. Now, instead of crying, he became completely silent, almost absorbed into himself to shield him from the outside world. It might preserve the strong appearance on the outside, but it also made the storm of emotions swirling inside his stomach ever the stronger and more than once it felt like he was bursting from the suppressed energy. But he appeared strong on the surface. That was what mattered. That was what made him strong. Even when he felt weak. But he didn’t cry. At least, he hadn’t until now.

That was why Sonny was scared to the bone, when he came back home one evening and found his husband crying on the couch. The moment he realized it, he dropped his briefcase immediately to the floor and threw his coat unwarily into a corner. He rushed to his husband, who sat hurled together against the lean, while Elizabeth, their cat, walked around him, meowing helplessly as she rubbed her head against his arm, leg, anything within reach, but this time, Rafael didn’t notice. He seemed far gone, almost absorbed inside his sadness, his eyes squeezed shut tightly and his forehead pressed against his knees.

“Raf,” Sonny exclaimed as he sat down next to him and cradled him in his arms.

“So…Sonny…” Rafael’s voice broke, but the sound of his name soothed Sonny. At least, he realized he was there and immediately, Rafael turned more into him, pressing his head into the crook of Sonny’s neck, while his fingers clenched into the fabric of his shirt.

“I’m here, love…,” Sonny whispered soothingly and rubbed soothing circles over Rafael’s back. “I’m here. I’ve got you.”

Rafael’s voice appeared to fail him, now, because he nodded instead and held tighter onto him. Tears fell onto Sonny’s shoulders, soaking his shirt quickly, but he couldn’t care. All he felt was, how his heart broke a bit further with every new, pained sob, which left Rafael, while he desperately tried to figure out, what happened. He had never experienced Rafael like this. Normally, he was hard to be shaken and barely let those primal, strong emotions onto his face despite little changes of light inside his reflective eyes. Rafael had learned how to hide what he didn’t want to show, but he had never been able to disguise his eyes.

“I’m sorry.” Rafael whimpered, chastising himself for being so pathetic and weak.

“There’s no need to be sorry.”, Sonny assured, while he buried a hand into the black hair. Rafael sniffed and a tremble ran through him, a sight which broke Sonny’s heart.

Never before had he seen Rafael like this. In every second he walked the Earth, Rafael Barba was confident, striking, smug and sassy, sometimes bordering on arrogant, but right now it felt like it was the first time Sonny was able to see into the depths of Rafael’s soul. To see _everything_ , even what had been hidden deep within. What he even had kept from Sonny up until now. Not because he had intended, but rather because he could not face it himself.

Sonny felt Rafael sadness like a dark cloud around them, which seemed to be so dense that his chest was too tight to breath. It felt overwhelming, cold, like needles of an icy rain, which pierced through your skin, but Sonny shook it off and build up a mental out of nothing to brace himself against the storm surge of energy, which crashed against his soul. He only left one opening, an opening tall enough so that he was able to let Rafael in.

“Can you tell me why you are crying?” Sonny asked and it was hard to keep his voice calm and collected as he felt with his husband, who held onto him as if he was his life boat.

“No…” Rafael’s voice was thick and broken, washed out by the tears as he shook his head and Sonny wasn’t sure if he didn’t want to tell him or if he couldn’t.

Rafael had kept a part of his emotions away from him for so long that he probably wasn’t able to tell where it was suddenly coming from. At least it felt like this to Sonny, because Rafael was utterly overwhelmed by it, curled up in Sonny’s arms like a frightened child threatened by a monster which only they could see.

Rafael’s tears, which fell on Sonny’s blue shirt, were hot to his surprise, burning from the pain and Sonny felt helpless. He didn’t know what to say in order to help his husband. How could he if not even Rafael knew why he was crying?

Elizabeth seemed to feel exactly the same. The white-haired cat with eyes as blue as Sonny’s jumped onto the back of the couch. Carefully, she put her front paw on Rafael’s shoulder before climbed completely onto him. She purred loudly, as if she was trying to comfort her beloved human and bumped her head against him. When Rafael showed no reaction, she meowed sadly and snuggled up against him.

All Sonny could do in this moment was to be there and stroke soothingly through Rafael’s thick hair, so that he knew he was there- no matter where his mind drifted to. It must be a dark place when not even Sonny’s voice and aura could reach him.

Again, and again he kissed softly into Rafael’s hair, trying to fight with the warmth of his love against the coldness which emitted from Rafael.

The sun set behind the skyscrapers and was replaced by the night, while he held Rafael tightly. Sonny lost all sense of time. He did not know how long he had rocked his husband, but he did not care either.

Then, finally, the tears dried with a silent hiccup and Rafael stirred in his arms. He blinked slowly as if he awoke from a dream and then pulled away. His eyes were red and puffy as Rafael opened them.

“Hey…” He sounded so incredibly tired and avoided the compassionate gaze in Sonny’s eyes.

“Hey…” Sonny reached for the tissue box and handed him a hanky.

“Thank you…,” Rafael whispered quietly, his voice raw as he took it and cleared his nose.

“How are you feeling?” Sonny asked concerned, while he tilted his head so that he was able to capture the gaze in Rafael’s eyes. Sadness still clouded the eyes, which were normally as green as the grass in summer.

“A bit better,” he replied, but his voice wasn’t very convincing. Gently, Sonny lifted his chin with his fingers, concerned eyes glancing into his. Rafael tried to smile, but it crumbled as soon as he lifted his lips.

“What happened?” Sonny’s hand wandered up, coming to rest on Rafael’s temple and rubbed soothing circles to ease a headache which likely plagued him.

The other man stayed silent for a moment, starring stubbornly onto the fabric of couch, his lips pressed together as if he wanted to hold back the words.

“Love…,” Sonny said softly, the pain Rafael felt resonating in his voice even though he wanted to sound encouraging. He lowered his hand and rested it onto his, which were tightly clenched together. “Please don’t let it eat you up. Whatever it is, please share it with me. I love you and I’m by your side.”

Rafael still didn’t answer, but he didn’t hold onto his hands that tightly anymore and Sonny thought that he might not even know himself. Maybe he should leave it for now.

“Or shall I just hold you?” he offered and nudged him gently with his nose. 

“Hold me…,” Rafael muttered after some moments of consideration. Sonny nodded with a smile and wrapped his arms tightly around him, while he bedded Rafael’s head on his shoulder, musing soothingly through the black hair.

The old, wooden clock in the corner of the living room ticked loudly while they simply sat like that: Rafael snuggled into Sonny’s embrace, who stroked him and peppered little kisses everywhere he could reach.

The dark cloud of Rafael’s sadness was dense around them and it was hard for Sonny to shield himself from it, to not let its dark tendrils slip into him.

“I don’t know, why I cried…,” Rafael suddenly said after a while, his voice far away while he starred out of the window. “I just sat here and waited for you and suddenly, it overcame me.”

Sonny’s heart clenched and he squeezed his eyes shut. They were married for three years, now, and had gone through some troubled times, but not once had Rafael been like that and through Sonny’s head ran wild, throwing several explanations at him.

One which hurt the most was that Rafael wasn’t happy anymore.

“I’m so sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?” Rafael asked honestly confused.

“I…” Sonny frowned. “I don’t know. Maybe, because you feel that way?”

“It has nothing to do with you.”, Rafael assured without hesitation and Sonny breathed out in relief.

“No…” Sonny huffed. “But I hate to see like this.”

Tenderly, he cupped Rafael’s chin and lifted his head. Rafael blinked, a few tears glistening like crystals in his lashes which Sonny kissed carefully away.

“Sonny…”

“I love you.”, he whispered and kissed softly on his lips.

“I love you, too.” Rafael let out a deep breath and closed his eyes, when Sonny cradled him in the crook of his neck.

It was silent in the apartment for a while in which Sonny had simply tucked Rafael under his chin, holding him tight.

“Rough case?” Sonny asked as the concern became too strong inside of him.

“No, not in particular,” Rafael said and the tone in his voice said that he did not really want to talk about it yet. Even though Rafael had opened up a lot over his time with the Manhattan SVU and especially ever since he was in a relationship with Sonny, he could still be reluctant at times.

Sometimes about certain topics it still felt like running against a wall. Sonny didn’t blame him. Letting down a protection wall as his as Rafael’s wasn’t easy and could be scaring. It demanded a lot of trust.

“I was at my grandmother’s grave today,” Rafael suddenly whispered into the silence, the voice so quiet that Sonny rather felt them as the air tickled his neck.

Sonny didn’t know what to say. Rafael went there regularly, but whenever he came back home, he was quiet, withdrawn in himself, the mourning darkening his eyes. He missed her dearly, that was plain obvious. She was the only person who had always been kind to Rafael. It was hard for Sonny to see Rafael like this, heartbroken, devasted, but never before had he cried.

It concerned Sonny, but then he thought that it might be something good. That Rafael was opening up even more and reconnects with the deeper, older feelings; with the echoes of the past.

“You miss her…” Sonny could beat himself. Why was he stating something so obvious?

“Yes, I do.” Rafael huffed quietly and rested a hand on Sonny’s arm. “I’m slowly losing her.”

“What do you mean?”

“Her picture is slowly fading. I can barely remember how she looked and the sound of her voice. It feels like she’s trickling like sand through my hands.”

“I see…”, Sonny whispered compassionately and kissed his temple. “I think I understand now, why you are sad. It’s always upsetting when this happens. You feel like you let her down and dishonour her after everything she has done for you, but, Rafa…”

He rested his fingertips on Rafael’s heart, felt the steady rhythm underneath.

“She is always going to be here. She is a part of you.”

“Sonny…”

“You’re not a bad person, because her memory is slowly running through your fingers,” Sonny explained unwaveringly as he wrapped his one arm tighter around Rafael’s shoulder and tilted his chin up with the other so that he had to look into his eyes. “You will never forget who she was or what she has done for you. She’s always going to be in your heart and this is what matters. So, don’t grieve. I’m sure that this isn’t what she would want. I’m sure that she is looking down at you with a smile, proud what her grandson has achieved.”

“You think so?” Rafael asked, hopefulness in his voice.

“I do.” Sonny nodded, before he kissed him. “Because I am.”

Rafael sighed and finally, Sonny’s warmth reached through the cold grief which has settled inside his heart. The tension faded out of his body and melted into Sonny’s arm.

Inwardly, Sonny breathed out in relief to feel how his Rafael returned, emerging from his darkness.

“Thank you, cariño,” Rafael whispered with a deep sigh as if chained burst from his chest and he dropped his head against Sonny’s.

“Always, love, always,” Sonny assured, his voice as soft as it was with every love declaration. He lifted Rafael’s hand and kissed the platinum wedding ring, the metal cool against his lips, as he silently vowed their given promise again. Rafael’s hand trembled slightly because of the gesture, but when Sonny looked back up, Rafael was smiling again. “Shall I make lasagne?”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this little piece. =) Please let me know in the comments or leave a kudo!
> 
> Happy Thanksgiving, Subaru-chan


End file.
